About to have a baby? Start now on your Ten Step Dignity Loss Program!!

Read it and weep:

1. More people than you ever imagine will see your genitalia.

2. You will quite possibly feel moved to tell seemingly random folk about your bodily fluids and how satisfying it was to watch your catheter fill up with beautiful pale yellow pee.

3. More people than you ever imagine might catch a glimpse of your breasts (and, if you let them, some folk - mainly healthcare professionals, hopefully - may feel moved to reach for them without asking your permission.)

4. You may scream and cry in front of strangers (again, in all likelihood, these 'strangers' will be healthcare professionals and will have Seen It All Before - having said that, they may just be fellow shoppers/random members of the public).

5. You will forget when you washed your hair last (and not really give a monkey's).

6. You will tolerate wearing the same baby sick-stained T-shirt five days in a row (owing to not being arsed to wash it).

7. You may come to beg much-reviled relatives to help you, because they'll willingly do so FOR FREE.

8. More people than you ever imagine will ask you all manner of intimate questions (such as: did you have any tearing?).

9. You may turn into Militant Mum and yell at shopkeepers to stop being so impatient whilst you rummage amongst baby changing bag for purse.

10. Thassit! You have now lost all dignity and are virtually unembarrassable. Now go retrieve that shirt from the laundry basket and GET DRESSED! Hell, it's 4pm already!